


Not What I Ordered

by periodicallyIntrigued



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Arranged Moirallegiance, Dave's everyone's bro, Fluff, M/M, Pesterlog, eventual redrom, except for when there is, failed attempt at pale, no snuggling in the pile
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-07-09
Packaged: 2017-12-15 17:25:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/852096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/periodicallyIntrigued/pseuds/periodicallyIntrigued
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat gets desperate and orders an online mail-in moirail, John is unintentionally obtuse, and Dave is everyone's babysitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: NOPE. I QUIT. I’M GETTING OFF THIS ROCK. 

CG: HER IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION’S NAVAL CRUISE LINER THE USS TITANIC IS BOARDING PASSENGERS FOR FUCKTHATVILLE.

CG: I AM TROLL LEONARDO STANDING AT THE BOW, SHOUTING SOME DEPRESSINGLY OPTIMISTIC HORSECOCK ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION, MY BUTT A BIT TOO CLOSE TO THE ITALIAN MALE FOR IT TO BE ENTIRELY PLATONIC.

CG: IF YOU NEED ME I’LL BE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN BECAUSE SOME FLIGHTY BROAD COULDN'T SCOOTCH HER FROZEN SHAME GLOBES OVER A FRACTION SO THAT WE COULD SHARE THE DAMN DOOR. A BEFITTING END TO MY MISERABLE EXCUSE TO WHAT SOME GENEROUSLY TERM A LIFE. 

TG: dude you’re making grand metaphors about chick flicks again

TG: this is the part where you’re going to want me to brofully commiserate with you about your latest midlife crisis

TG: and i would except for the fact that this is nearly a daily thing with us now

TG: i cant tell if this is a desperate cry for help or an obscure form of solicitation

CG: WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO REACH OUT AND INVOLVE YOU IN MY LIFE, YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKTURD. I’LL JUST TAKE MY SUFFERING ELSEWHERE THEN, WERE IT IS LESS LIKELY TO GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES.

TG: fortunately for you your over-exaggerations are necessary part of my mental health

TG: like I can wake up each morning and think

TG: damn

TG: at least im not this guy

TG: your daily tantrums are like a healthful dose of flintstones vitamins for the mind

TG: the gummy kind

TG: damn those are good

CG: THANK YOU?

TG: youre very welcome

TG: wait is this this about what you pestered me about earlier this week?

TG: hold on one hot tamale ill find it

TG: ‘I’VE MADE A GRIEVOUS MISTAKE’

TG: (true shit copied and pasted yo)

TG: sound familiar?

CG: YES. AND IF YOU’D JUST GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF YOUR SPINAL CREVICE YOU’D REALIZE EXACTLY WHY I’M FOUR SECONDS AWAY TO HAVING A SMALL ANEURYSM. SMALL, BECAUSE WHEN IT DOESN’T KILL ME, I’M GOING TO DRAG MY HALF DEAD CARCUS OVER TO YOUR RESPITEBLOCK AND DO SOMETHING HORRENDOUS, LIKE RELIEVE MYSELF ALL OVER YOUR ‘ILL BEATS’ DEVICE.

TG: you wouldnt

CG: I WOULD

TG: you monster

CG: I KNOW

TG: it says here that you bought a mail in boyfriend

TG: wow thats kind of a big deal

TG: damn dude when were you planning on telling me this?

CG: I AM SUDDENLY FEELING OVERWHELMING REGRET OVER THE FACT THAT MY QUIRK LIMITS ME TO NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE MY WORDS AND LARGER. IT’S BECAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THAT THAT I’M SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME. YES. *LAST WEEK* ****I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK****

TG: no need to shout man

TG: but seriously tho a mail in boyfriend?

CG: HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND. IT’S MORE WHAT YOU’D CALL AN ARRANGED MOIRALLEGIANCE, AND IT’S A PERFECTLY NORMAL AGREEMENT FOR TROLLS WHO LIVE IN MORE ISOLATED AREAS TO MEET OTHER TROLLS. AS LONG AS EVERYONE IS CONSENTING, THERE IS NO SOCIAL LAWS PREVENTING IT FROM HAPPENING.

TG: karkat you live in suburbia

TG: there are literally people everywhere all youve got to go is outside

TG: people on the street 

TG: people in cars

TG: people growing on trees

TG: you take a shit and its people

TG: wait dont do that

TG: dont shit yourself a pale husband

TG: thatd make thanksgiving and christmas awkward as hell

CG: I TOLD YOU IT WAS A MISTAKE! GO AHEAD AND SAY IT. “Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are DESPERATE PATHETIC LOSER”

TG: wow no need to bring the self-absorbed yet semi-interactive narrative into things

TG: besides it cant really be that bad

TG: so youve got some dude living with you eating all your cheetos and the good apple juice

TG: so what? you just do whatever the heck palebros do with their time

TG: talk about their feelings and stuff

TG: hell it might even do you some good

CG: THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. LIKE, IF MAYBE I COULD JUST GET PAST THIS, I’D MAYBE HAVE MORE LUCK WITH MY OTHER QUADRANTS. IT’S BEEN TOUGH, YOU KNOW? EVER SINCE GAMZEE

TG: the guy was a creep

TG: i mean

TG: mmmmmmmmm

TG: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

TG: look at those little m’s of sympathy

TG: and how they wrap around you and make you feel all better and understood and stuff

TG: (but seriously tho, he was a creep)

CG: THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMPATHY. AND BY THANK YOU, I MEAN NO THANK YOU, BECAUSE THAT WAS SARCASM.

CG: ANYWAYS, I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU THE WORST PART.

TG: should I bust out a drum roll?

CG: YEAH, YOU BEST.

CG: ANYWAYS, MY NEW… MOIRAIL CAME TODAY. AND HE’S A… (START DRUM ROLL NOW)

TG: *ddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm

TG: rooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll*

CG: (THAT WAS GOOD)

CG: MY NEW MOIRAIL IS A *HUMAN*

CG: OKAY, THIS IS THE PART WERE YOU GASP AND DRINK WITH ME TO MY BAD FORTUNE

TG: seriously?

TG: you got your crab printed panties all in a twist over this?

TG: you know IM a human right?

CG: EXACTLY. AND YOU HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME ENOUGH UNDERSTANDING MY CULTURE WITHOUT THE COMPLEX NUANCES THAT COME ALONG WITH MOLDING A HEALTHY MOIRALLEGIANCE BASED ON MUTUAL RESPECT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPEN UP TO A PERSON WHO DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND QUADRANT ROMANTICISM? WHERE IS THE TRUST? IT’S AN ABSOLUTE DISASTER AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH THE GUY.

CG: THINK IT’S TOO LATE TO GET A REFUND?

CG: SHIT, HE’S LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.

CG: SHIT, HE RAN OFF WHEN I CAUGHT HIM.

CG: SHIT SHIT SHIT, I’M THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT EVER.

CG: I’VE GOT TO GO

\--carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling turntechGodhead--


	2. Chapter 2

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you have made a GRIEVOUS MISTAKE. It is not your first mistake by far, and statistically, it won’t be your last. This time though, the blunder is of the variety that even the most LOWBELLIED CREEPY CRAWL CREATURE would turn its face from you in shame, and your stomach is doing ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTES at the thought of leaving your respiteblock and facing the latest error on the long list of sequential screw-ups that make up your pathetic excuse of an existence. Mostly, you just want to TAKE A NAP.

However, you do not. Let it not be said that Karkat Vantas doesn’t know how to grab life by the bulge and man the fuck up already, even if it takes you a good solid fifteen minutes to gather the courage to tentatively step into the hall that leads to the gathering area. You pad carefully down the hall, careful to avoid the spots that squeak, and peer into the living room.

Your—you internally flinch in horror—your MOIRAIL is nowhere to be found.

You’re not sure if the feeling in your chest is mind-numbing relief or the first onsets of a panic attack. Perhaps both.

You never thought your life would become this.

You always thought that you’d grow up, join the ranks of the mighty THRESHECUTIONERS, and then when the time was right and the stars aligned: meet a nice troll and settle down into your quadrants just like any other healthy, contributing member of society. But then Gamzee went BATSHIT CRAZY and you got roped into this notion that it was your duty to save him from himself. That was your first mistake (no, not your FIRST mistake, we’ve already established that already began the moment you wriggled your way out of the caves instead of just rolling over and dying). Anyways, for a seasoned romantic guru such as yourself, you should have known that such a relationship was too one sided for it to ever last. It’s been a while since you’ve seen that crazy ass clown, but you find that despite everything you kinda sorta maybe miss him just a little bit. Or maybe you’re just LONLEY.

Hence the spontaneous late night and SLIGHTLY SOPOR ADDLED decision to click on one of the adverts on the side of his husktop screen and buy yourself a new moirail. The transaction was over before you even realized what had happened, and after sending a panicked message to Strider, the only thing left to do was wait.

When the doorbell rang this morning, you took an extra-long time answering the door in order to GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Despite everything, that was your moirail out there! And you didn’t want his first impression of you to be a wimpy, sniveling mess too pathetic to even pity. That might work for some trolls, but you don’t want any part of that. All composure that you somehow managed to plaster to your face, however, immediately fell to pieces the second you opened the door and were greeted by the bucktoothed smile of a HUMAN.

“Hi Karkat!” The human said, his face stupidly pale and bright, an alarming contrast to the gravity defying mess of black hair adorning the top of his head. He thrust his hand forward. “My name’s John. Nice to meet you!”

You are 100% certain with zero percent chance error that your face had the dumbest look of STUPEFIED SHOCK ever to grace the face of any troll, let alone yourself. It is only dumb luck that you somehow still had the presence of mind to numbly take hold of his too soft hand and woodenly shake it. You let go too quickly, and you were not even subtle about wiping your hand on your shirt, as if to decontaminate it.

John’s smile faltered for a second, but he seemed to make the conscious decision to make the best of it. He stood up on his toes a bit and peered expectantly over Karkat’s shoulders into the house.

“So, you going to invite me in?” He asked with a nervous chuckle.

You mad some sort of noncommittal grunt, and reluctantly took a step back so that he could move past you and stand in the foyer. Trying to avoid your gaze bearing into the back of his head, he makes a show of looking around and appreciating some of the things you have hanging on the walls, of which there are not many.

“You have a nice place,” He said with another bucktoothed grin. Something about it must have snapped you out of your funk, because suddenly you could speak again.

“You’re human.”

“Um, yeah.” He giggled again.

That giggle was going to get on your nerves, you could tell.

“You’re _human,”_ You repeated again, because that’s the only signal that seemed to be able to get through in your thinkpan.

“Is that a problem?” John was doing a good job of trying to make it seem like a joke, but underneath he was starting to get wary.

“No, no, not a problem at all. It’s just the fact that my supposed moirail is a human! There’s nothing wrong with that. Oh, before I forget, better go leave the door open, I’m expecting my cluckbeast-lusus-matesprit to stop by any second. Don’t make too many sudden movements though, because she’s shy. After that, my nut creature kismesis said that he might come around and gouge my eyes out before dinner. Something to look forward to!”

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you might be a little bit HYSTERICAL.

“Uh, Karkat? Are you okay?” John asked, his eyes going wide. “Do you want me to…pap you?”

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME.”

It was around that point that you absconded to your respiteblock and began your ill-advised attempt to gain sympathy from Strider. You really don’t know why you bother with the guy.

You admit it was a justified application of bad karma that John happened to wander in just at the moment when you were being your most horrible. Good job universe. It really got you that time. Four hundred and thirteen points for the Cosmos, zero for Karkat.

You cautiously move into the kitchen and find no sign of John. Where did the little grubturd get to? Your hive is nice, but it’s not very big, and there are only so many places a person can get to unless he is purposefully hiding. You begin to think that maybe you have upset him so much that perhaps he just left? You can’t decide if the idea fills you with hope or just makes you into a bigger douchebag.

You find John in the dining room, sitting at the table with his hands in his lap as though he’s afraid to touch anything.

“I wasn’t sure where to go,” John says, wiping his hands on his lap. “I can move if you like.”

You’ve made up your mind. You’re a GIANT DOUCHEBAG. You’re the hugest piece of shit ever expelled on this miserable planet. You’re so huge that you are put on fucking display right next to the World’s Largest Ball of Twine while sweaty families with their sticky fingered offspring take their picture next to you on their annual road trip to Disneyland or some other nonsensical place.

“Look,” You say, rubbing at your eyes. “I may have overreacted a bit back there. I’m prone to overreaction. It accounts for about eighty percent of my problems, the other twenty percent being that I’m just a general fuck-up without any decent sense of goddamn manners. So when I say don’t take it personally...you know you can believe me.”

You can tell that John is fighting back a tentative smile, and is failing pretty miserably. The constant grinning is going to be something else you’re going to need to get used to.

“That’s okay." He says sheepishly. "I kind of figured going into this that it’d be a bit of a shock. Not many other humans in my line of work.”

You bet. You take in John’s appearance, from the floppy hair and square glasses to his awkwardly lanky limbs to his goofy smile and, well, you just gotta ask. “So, you’ve…done this? Before?”

John’s eye’s go wide and his hand flies to his mouth as though he’s just heard the most shocking news on the tabloid huskfeed. “Oh, jeez no! I’ve never done anything like this before.” It then occurs to him that he might have said the wrong thing, because he quickly follows with “Unless you’re looking for someone with more experience, because I’m sure—”

“Oh my god, would you shut up!” You say behind a double facepalm combo. “It’s fine. I was just curious.”

“Okay, good. Because from what I understand about it, I think it’s probably better if I don’t have much _experience_ , haha.”

“What _do_ you know about it?” You ask cautiously.

“Well…” John starts, splaying his hands as though it were obvious. “I’m basically here for you. If you need someone to talk to, if you need someone to kick your butt, I’m your guy. I help you with your feelings and stuff.”

That is perhaps the most oversimplified explanation of moirallegiance ever uttered that your brain can’t even come up with a suitable retort.

You’re COMPLETELY FUCKED.

 

***

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]--

TG: hey karkat

TG: hey

TG: dont be an asshole okay?

TG: like i know its going to be mad difficult for you

TG: containing all that surliness into your short little frame

TG: like trying to over stuff a puppet thats already bleeding cotton out the seams

TG: but your life is only going to be a stinking hellhole if you cant even get along with the one guy who is paid to like you

TG: i know youve probably already made a delicious meal out of your own feet

TG: but let me tell you one thing karkat

TG: the only thing that feet tastes like

TG: is regret

CG: FUCK OFF, STRIDER


	3. Chapter 3

 

Platonic Pacifying Paradise’s

Internet Moiralligiance Service

RECRUITMENT PAMPHLET

Do you like caring for others?

Do you like to travel?

Are you looking to build meaningful relationships, but perhaps can’t find the time to develop them?

Then Platonic Pacifying Paradise Co. is the place for you!

Here are Triple P, we take great pride in providing lonely individuals with the companionship and support that they desire, and this extends to both our clients and our employees. We use carefully collected data to match our clients with the most compatible partner to ensure 100% satisfaction on all sides.

We’re looking for CONSENTING individuals willing to act as Moirails to their future partner. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY!  

For more information contact us at:

1-523-555-4468

 

***

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB]--

TG: remember when i used to send you all those music files back in the day?

TG: the ones that i made from scratch on my turntables?

TG: well they weren’t from scratch exactly

TG: it was mostly all prerecorded sounds

TG: and id just press random buttons until some noise that was only marginally different than all the other noise i usually make came out

TG: anyways id send it to you guys thinking i was the hottest shit since the turd that took out elvis

TG: those were the days

TG: so i was wondering

TG: did you guys actually ever listen to that stuff?

TG: rose is saying no she never gave it the time of day

TG: but you did didn’t you egbert

TG: didn’t you?

TG: oh god you did

TG: egbert no

TG: why john why?

TG: your future was so bright

TG: you could have grown up

TG: gone to school gotten a job

TG: petted puppies

TG: seen star wars seven at midnight

TG: watched the sunrise on the top of kiliman-fucking-jaro without ever having heard those sick beats

TG: sick as in toxic

TG: and toxic as in fatal

TG: i gotta say man

TG: im disappointed

TG: anyways i was just going through some of my old files for shits and giggles and let me tell you

TG: i dont know if i want to laugh or cry

TG: i think i may be doing a bit of both

TG: ...

TG: yo egbert you there?

TG: my rambling skills are masterful

TG: some would even say inspired

TG: but even i can’t keep this up all day buddy

TG: a dudes got priorities

EB: hey dave

TG: what no exclamation mark?

TG: no moronic yet subtly endearing buck toothed emoji?

TG: how do i know youre really john?

TG: you could be an imposter and my real friend is tied up due to your dastardly hand

EB: oh. well we wouldn’t want things to get dastardly, would we?

EB: i’ll start over then

EB: hey dave!

EB: …

EB: :B

TG: dude even through the computer i can tell thats hella uncomfortable

TG: something wrong?

EB: oh, i’m just feeling a little down i guess

EB: like i would explain better, but

EB: it’s a little bit embarrassing? and i’d rather not talk about it right now if that’s cool

TG: yeah thats cool man

TG: but just so you know rose aint coming over for like another hour

TG: so i got nothing to do right now except be here if you want to talk

TG: this is a judgment free zone

TG: judgment has left the building

TG: in fact theres steel walls and flaming arrows and even a bona fide mote surrounding the building to keep all the judgment out on the street where it belongs with all the filthy emotions like disapproval and criticism

TG: shits locked up tight

EB: well...its kind of a long story but...

EB: i kind of sold myself into pale-bondage and now i’m living with a troll!

TG: dude

EB: i know

TG: what the hell?

EB: I KNOW

TG: you know this is the weirdest week i’ve had in a while

TG: all my bros are jumping the matrimonial train of pale felicity

TG: like thats even a thing

TG: and im just standing at the station waving my little hanky goodbye

TG: clutching at my bonnet and bosom knowing ill never see you strapping lads again

TG: just the other day karkat was in the midst of a serious fit over almost exactly the same thing except he was smart enough to BUY a moi-whatchamacallit rather than sell himself as one

TG: you could learn something from karkat

EB: karkat?

TG: yeah hes a troll i met online and were actually pretty good

TG: friends?

TG: yeah friends

TG: although dont tell him i said that gotta keep up my street cred

EB: ohmygod would you shut up for a sec?!

EB: karkat is the name of my troll!

EB: YOU KNOW MY TROLL???

EB: why didn’t you say anything?

TG: well its not like i could have known!

TG: holy shit

TG: small freaking universe

EB: dave you gotta help me

EB: i’m screwing things up big time over here, and i don’t know what to do

EB: nothing i do seems to work

EB: i think i did something to piss him off because he spends most of his time in his room. when he does come out, like for food and stuff, he won’t look at me or talk to me or anything

EB: i don’t know what i could have done to make him so mad, you know? :/

TG: dude thats just karkat

TG: im pretty sure if hes not pissed at something the force holding the universe together would implode

TG: you just got to take it slow with him

TG: the guy has some major trust issues

EB: but that’s my job, right? to help him through all his issues?

EB: which i have NO CLUE how to do because i can barely pronounce moiralligance let alone know how to be good at it!

TG: dude i got this

TG: just give me a bit to do some research

EB: oh my god, thanks dave!

EB: i’m seriously drowning over here

TG: what are bros for if not helping out with interspecies romance?

EB: :B

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the image! My artist abilities are limited to taking pictures off of google images and drawing over them in mspaint


	4. Chapter 4

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you’ve made a GRIEVOUS MISTAKE.

You think this for about the thousandth time this week, this time being provoked by the sight of Karkat’s pantry. You rub at your eyes, thinking that your lack of sleep has finally caught up with you and is messing with your vision--but nope, those are definitely alien letters. All the food is labeled in Alternian. This is the frosting on top of what could be considered a FAIRLY UPSETTING MORNING.

Really, it’s all Karkat’s fault.

You were laying in bed in the guest bedroom, which was given to you only after Karkat groggily emerged from his room the day after your arrival and found you dozing on the couch in the living room, having crashed there sometime in the night. He had thrown his hands up in the air and called you a number of foreign but assumably insulting names before dragging you down the hall and introducing you to your new room with great pomp and ceremony. He’d then given you a disgusted look and turned his back on you, muttering things about how “even a wriggler could figure it out.”

You don’t think Karkat is a morning person.

Anyways, you were laying in bed, pretending to sleep but mostly thinking about your friends back home, when you a loud _CRASH_ from the room next over. Without really stopping to think, you ran out in your boxers and t-shirt and burst into Karkat’s room.

You’re not really sure what you were expecting. Some kind of emergency. Where you could be heroic! But all you found is Karkat passed out at his desk, a bit of drool dripping down his chin. He was twitching a bit, apparently enough to knock his weirdish bug looking laptop thing off his desk, the source of the crash it would seem. He was muttering in his sleep, and his face was screwed up in pain or fright. Karkat was having a nightmare.

Abiding by your first instinct, you immediately seize hold of his shoulder and shake him awake.

“Karkat!”

His eyes snapped open and he let out the most horrifying sounds--a half snarl, half scream. He jerked away from your hand violently and every muscle is tense for a fight. Even though awake, he was still trapped inside the world of the dream.

“Karkat!” You said again, and despite the fact that it would probably only get you a smack in the face you crouched down so that you’re both on the same level. “You’re dreaming, Karkat. It’s just a dream.” You gently placed a hand on his back and started to rub calming circles along his spine. He flinched at the touch, but did not shove you away so you kept at it. Karkat was gasping for breath, and you thought he might be hyperventilating; You didn’t know what else to do so you kept up a steady stream of calming nonsense. “Just a dream, calm down now. I got you, i got you, you’re alright now. Just calm down, deep breaths, there you go.”

Karkat sucked down a few ragged breaths before he seemed to get a bearing on his surroundings and realized that he wasn’t in any danger. As the fog left his eyes, he let out a small sigh of relief. You nearly missed it, it was so sudden. Just as you were thinking that Karkat wasn’t used to showing vulnerability like that, he abruptly tensed up again. He finally realized you were in his room, in his private space, rubbing his back and cooing at him like he was an fussy toddler. His eyes pointedly glared at your hand before you hastily retracted it.

“You’ve got about three seconds to get the hell out of my respiteblock before I shove my hand into your soft human digestive cavity and rip out your nutrient absorption tubes to fingerpaint my fucking walls,” Karkat said in a low growl. You don’t think you’ve ever hear him speak so softly.

With a yelp, you abscond the hell out of there. You retreat back into your own room, avoiding the living room like its full of Betty Crocker brownies just in case Karkat decides to pass through in order to get to the kitchen. You have needs, however, and your stomach can be a pretty persuasive dude when he want’s to be. When you’re positive that Karkat is sulking somewhere in his room, you sneak pass and scurry over to the kitchen.

It’s then that you realize that Karkat has absolutely nothing to eat.

You chose a jar at random, and although the label is nothing but gibberish to you, its contents appear to be a reddish gelatinous mass when you pop the lid off. It doesn’t really smell like anything. You have a youthful and natural curiosity that makes it impossible for you to NOT dip your finger in and tentatively bring it to your tongue.

_Please be jelly please be jelly please be jelly._

 

IT IS NOT JELLY.

It takes a second to process the flavor, but the second you do your brain is shouting ABORT ABORT ABORT, and you spit the offending goop out. Upon consideration, you decide that it tasted like an unholy combination of ASPARAGUS and BACON. Basparagus. Asparacon. Either way, you’re hungry, but you’re not that hungry.

You gingerly put the jar back and start from square one. After a few minutes searching, you find something that passes as bread and a fruit that YOU’RE ALMOST POSITIVE is an apple.

Well...

...you _suppose_ if cut the apple into slices and put it on the bread, it technically counts as a sandwich. But you’re less than thrilled.

Your meager meal sends you into a brief, chest-constricting moment of despair. You never should have signed up for this. In fact, you’re not even sure why you did.

(Although you’re pretty sure one of the selling points had been the VERY IMPRESSIVE GRAPHIC the recruiting company had used. [You really can’t stop looking at it.](http://media.tumblr.com/0ffd5d13c281db284990b207246c2336/tumblr_inline_mp25upt9bv1qz4rgp.png))

Setting out, you had thought traveling across space to a brand new planet would be exciting and fun. It’d be just like a real adventure, like the kind the hero in an action movie would have. And the fact that you’d get the chance to help people along the way? At the time it had sounded noble and romantic. Like being Robin Hood. Or Cameron Poe.

Instead, the only thing that you have learned so far is that you truly are on an alien planet. Nothing makes sense here. Like Karkat. He was the one who brought you here, yet _he_ was the one storming around like you had been forced upon him. And not only was it stupid and a bit childish, it was rude. And yeah, your feelings might be a LITTLE BIT HURT.

You feel very stupid and very small and very, very far from home.

You’re suddenly pulled out of your emotional crisis by the appearance of Karkat in the archway. He hesitates a second upon seeing you, but he then continues on very casually over to the pantry and starts rooting around for a lunch of his own. Apparently he has calmed down enough to go back to ignoring you completely.

“Hey Karkat,” you greet with forced cheerfulness. If there’s one thing you can fake, it’s a dopey smile. “Feeling better?”

A box of alien something-or-other falls to the ground with a small crash. Cursing creatively, Karkat hastily reaches down and grabs it and places on the counter. He then darts a wary eye at you and mumbles out a “Yeah, I’m good now.” You can’t be sure, but you think the tips of his ears might be a bit more red than normal.

“Great! Wow, that must have been some dream you were having. You seemed pretty upset.”

“Are you seriously planning on eating that?” Karkat gestures to your sandwich, changing the subject.

“Yeah, why?”

“That’s not a sandwich. That’s sliced shame on bread. Were we in the wild, you would be evolutionarily selected against due to your inability to scrounge for a proper meal.” As he talks, Karkat assembles a sandwich of his own. “You and the stupid flightless wingcreatures and the great furry trunkbeasts could all kumbaya around the campfire of natural selection and commiserate over your shared qualities of failure as a species.”

“Actually,” You reply, “On my planet, the apple slice sandwich is considered a delicacy in most cultures. I was actually touched that you had thought of it.”

“Nuh-uh, no way that’s true,” Karkat sputters. You’re positive he’s blushing this time.

“Thanks for being so culturally sensitive, Karkat!” You grin, and then take a big bite out of your makeshift sandwich. At his open mouthed stare of incredulity, you give a big thumbs up.

His mouth snaps shut, and his look becomes one of skepticism. “That can’t be that filling.”

“No, it’s not,” You admit. “I wasn’t sure what else to eat, though. All your food is in Alternian.”

Hopefully he get’s the hint. You’re not sure how else to say it without having the words, “Dude, I’m really hungry” flashing in neon lights above your head.

Karkat frowns, and then looks down at his sandwich--which admittedly looks way better than yours, alien food aside. Grumbling under his breath, he takes a knife and cuts it in half, plops it on a plate of its own, and practically thrusts it at you as if it pained him to do so. He quickly retreats back to his room, grumbling up a storm, before you could utter a thank you.

You look down at your sandwich and...you suppose it looks innocent enough.

Man, you’re really hungry.

Closing your eyes, you take a bite and hope for the best.

If you ignore the squishy bits, it tastes a bit like turkey. You can dig turkey.

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]--

TG: dude this movie is shit

TG: none of this makes any sense at all to my poor and clearly deficient human brainpot

TG: if i see one more pile of random crap i think my poor eyeballs will just up and leave

TG: no note no explanation

TG: just leaving my nose with two ears to raise on his own and not even a monthly child support check to help him

TG: and then the ears are going to grow up having daddy issues and theyll eventually go on a soul searching quest for their father

TG: theyll find my eyes in some bar drinking themselves to an early grave and the ears will come home bitterly disappointed but having learned along the way that they could be their own person

TG: its all actually quite beautiful

CG: FIRST OF ALL, IT’S A THINKPAN. BRAINPOT ISN’T A THING.

CG: SECOND OF ALL, WHAT THE BLISTERING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU’RE SHIT AT CONTEXT, STRIDER

TG: that movie you suggested to me the other day

TG: it doesnt make any fucking sense

TG: like its painfully obvious that these two idiots are in diamonds for each other

TG: just aching to dive into the pale throes

TG: but they keep tiptoeing around each others piles like gradeschoolers

TG: like is it so difficult to say

TG: i care about you and you care about me lets go conciliate in that mound of puppets over there

CG: LEAVE IT TO YOU HUMANS TO SUCK ALL THE ROMANCE OUT OF EVERYTHING.

CG: THAT ‘TIPTOEING AROUND THE PILE’ AS YOU CALL IT IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MOIRALLEGIANCE COURTING.

CG: THEY’RE TESTING THE WATERS, SO TO SPEAK, TRYING TO SEE IF THE OTHER IS PITIABLE ENOUGH THAT THEIR FIRST INSTINCT UPON GETTING CLOSE TO EACH OTHER ISN’T GOING TO BE TO TEAR AT EACH OTHERS THROATS.

CG: ITS ALL ABOUT MAKING YOURSELF VULNERABLE TO JUST THAT ONE PERSON, AND HOPING THAT THEY DON’T DECIDE TO CULL YOU FOR WEAKNESS INSTEAD.

CG: TROLLS ARE SO NATURALLY AGGRESSIVE THAT IT SOMETIMES TAKES YEARS OF COURTING BEFORE TWO TROLLS ARE COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DECLARE A MOIRALLEGIANCE. IT’S ALL QUITE NATURAL.

CG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME, THERE ARE SOME CASES OF PALE AT FIRST SIGHT, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY EXCEPTIONAL PHENOMENON. IMAGINE, BEING OPEN WITH SOMEONE YOU *JUST MET*.

TG: idk about you but i trust all my friends with my life

TG: and its not like were lounging in shit but sometimes on like a full moon there are things that could be described as feelings discussed

TG: so how are you supposed to tell the difference between getting someone getting their pink flirt on and someone’s just being a good friend?

CG: MY GOD, HUMANS ARE SO DEPRAVED. YEAH, I GET THAT YOU HAVE A PSEUDO-PALE FOURWAY GOING ON WITH YOUR HAPPY LITTLE GROUP OF EARTH BUDDIES, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

CG: AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, FRIENDSHIP AND MOIRALLEGIANCE ARE TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS

CG: COURTING A MOIRAIL IS A ROMANTIC PROCESS WHICH IS ACTUALLY VERY SIMILAR TO RED FLIRTING. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THE UNDERSTANDING THAT ITS ALL PLATONIC (ALTHOUGH NOT EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE AS THIS ALL THE TIME, WHICH IS WHEN YOU RUN INTO PROBLEMS).

CG: FOR EXAMPLE, PROSPECTIVE MOIRAILS MIGHT PRESENT OFFERINGS JUST LIKE PROSPECTIVE MATESPRITS MIGHT. THEY WILL ALSO INVITE THE OTHER TO SPEND TIME WITH THE OTHER, MUCH LIKE A DATE. THE UNDERSTANDING IS THAT BY HAVING A GOOD TIME TOGETHER HELPS WITH BUILDING TRUST.

CG: THERE ARE SUBTLETIES BETWEEN FLUSHED AND PALE COURTING THAT ARE CLEAR TO ANY EXPERIENCED EYE, BUT I SUPPOSE WOULD BE CONFUSING TO AN OUTSIDER SUCH AS YOURSELF.

CG: YOU’RE BEING AWFULLY QUIET AND COOPERATIVE FOR ONCE, HARDLY A SINGLE INTERRUPTION OR DERAILING TANGENT.

CG: SINCE WHEN DID YOU CARE ABOUT TROLL RELATIONSHIPS?

TG: since you started recommending me movies with your convoluted romantic subplots

TG: im emotionally invested now

TG: once you go troll you dont go back

CG: UH HUH

CG: COLOR ME OFFICIALLY SUSPICIOUS

TG: whyever would you think something like that dear sweet karkat?

TG: cant a guy show interest in an alien species pointlessly complicated mating rituals without drawing criticism down on himself?

CG: DAVE

CG: ARE YOU...I MEAN, I KNOW ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS...

CG: BUT ARE YOU FEELING PALE FOR SOMEONE?

TG: thats it

TG: you got me karkat

TG: ive tried to hide it but no longer can suppress my feelings

TG: its you

TG: its always been you

TG: i just want to feel your tender caress on my face

TG: pap me now

TG: pap me hard

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] has unblocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: QUICK QUESTION, AND DON’T SAY ANYTHING BUT THE ANSWER UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO PERSONALLY GROW WINGS AND FLY MYSELF TO EARTH JUST TO PISS IN YOUR FACE

CG: BUT ARE APPLE SLICE SANDWICHES A DELICACY?

TG: oh man are they ever

TG: giving someone an apple slice sandwich is the highest form of respect possible on our planet

TG: theyre only given to the most esteemed guests or kings or broliest of bros

CG: WOW, THATS PRETTY FREAKING WEIRD, EVEN FOR AN ALIEN, BUT OKAY. THANKS

TG: no problemo

TG: <>

CG: ARRUUGGGGGGGG

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for reading and the encouraging comments :) what started off as a fluffy little drabble is now turning into it's own little universe. Next update will be soon, within a couple of days.


	5. Chapter 5

\--ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]--

EB: hey dave?

EB: how’s that research going there buddy?

EB: things are getting pretty awkward around here, i’m not gonna lie.

EB: dave

EB: daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee

\--turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum--

EB: crap

\--ectoBiologist [EG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]--

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you’re fucking sick of staring at walls. They’re just white. And...there. Yet at the same time, they’re pillars of shame mocking your cowardice and your physical inability to step outside of your respiteblock and face your new moirail like a freaking adult already.

The hive is quiet, and you haven’t heard a peep out of your guest in a couple hours. Your gut is doing a giddy folk dance as you press your ear against the door, thinking that now is just as safe a time as ever. Casting one last baleful look around your respiteblock, you open the door and step out into what you now consider part of the Egbert Space. Just like all unstable environments, the Egbert Space holds its own sort of dangers; namely, a high percent chance of encountering John and having to put up with his bumbling attempts at pacification.

You still grind your teeth at the memory of the feel of his hand rubbing calming circles on your back this morning, soothing the knotted muscles there that are due to your near constant state of HYPERTENSION. The touch of another living being had brought you out of the terrors of your own mind and grounded you in a way you haven’t felt in a long time--and you hate him for it. Just thinking about it is making your face burn and you have this sudden urge to duck back into your respiteblock and hide in your recouperon for possibly the rest of your life.

Peering into the living room, you once again find John passed out on the couch. The couch, of all places! It’s a completely public space, there’s not a single fucking thing stopping someone from just strolling in and slitting his throat in his sleep. Hell, you’re even considering it yourself. You suddenly fear that your moirail might be damaged goods, since apparently he has zero sense of self preservation. That stunt in your respiteblock this morning too, disturbing a troll while he was sleeping, John was fucking FORTUITOUS that you hadn’t mauled his face purely on reflex. It was like he was purposefully throwing himself into life threatening situations just to annoy you, and there is just something so disgustedly pathetic about him that you just want to help him--

Fuck. No. Fuck that thought with the rusty shears you keep up your own ass. You’re not going down that path. And you’re definitely not going to think about how it’s sorta cute how his hair sticks up every which way when he’s sleeping. Nope, definitely not.

He’s taken up all the space on the couch, so you plop yourself in the recliner and turn the tv on, doing your damndest to pretend he’s not there. Halfway through some asinine do it yourself hive flipping program, you hear John moving on the couch. You look over, and your eyes meet, his still bleary from sleep.

“Hey,” He mumbles.

“Hey,” You grunt. You go back to watching tv like this is NO BIG DEAL.

“I feel asleep,” He says, confused.

“Do you get prizes on your planet for stating the astoundedly obvious?”

He rubs his eyes and makes a half-hearted attempt to restore order to his hair. “Were you...watching me?”

“Why would I do a stupid thing like that?” You reply, perhaps too quickly. You thank all the freaking stars in the galaxy for your thick, grey skin that hides the majority of your blush. John’s eyes are confused, but he just shakes his head and the moment is gone.

“What the heck are we watching?”

“Honestly?” You say, looking down at the remote in your hand like it had failed you, “I don’t know.”

“Give it here, then,” John says, holding his hand out.

You automatically pull away. “No!”

“Sheesh,” John says, rolling his eyes. He flops back down on the couch, his back to you. “Are all trolls so territorial?”

You ignore that comment, instead taking in the sight of John burrowing further into the cushions of the couch with a shrewd eye. “You’re seriously not thinking of going back to sleep, are you?”

“So what if I am?” He mumbles, and even though you can’t see his face you can tell the little shitstick has his eyes closed. You can’t decide if it’s touching or insulting that he trusts you enough to turn his back on you in such close proximity, especially since you hadn’t quite made up your mind about culling him just to put him out of his misery. Were humans just generally useless, or was it an Egbert thing? That’s honestly probably why the company you bought him off of recruited humans in the first place. They’re just so naturally pathetic that you can’t help but feel comfortable around them.

For an appalling moment, you think that this might just work. You could see yourself spending time with John, given that he get’s the proper schoolfeeding. No more unsolicited physical comfort--at least, not until you’re ready. Sheesh, you don’t even want to think about that right now. You just want to start small.

Maybe just a short little jam. Just to test it out.

Jesus Christ on grubloaf, it’s been a long time since you’ve done this.

You look over at John, who of course has managed to fall asleep already. He’s laying on his stomach, his arms wrapped around the cushions like he’s giving them a big hug and his legs hanging off the other end because it’s only just occured to you now that he’s way lankier than you are. His mouth is half open and he’s drooling on your upholstery in a way that’s both irritating and way more adorable than it has any right to be.  

“Fuck it,” You grumble, and then stand up to shake John awake.

 

***

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: RED ALERT RED ALERT

CG: THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

CG: THE FLYING VESSEL THAT WAS MY SELF ESTEEM HAS TAKEN A MAJOR BLOW FROM THE AERIAL BELLIGERENTS IN THE CLOUDS.

CG: THESE BULGEFLUFFING NOOKWHIFFERS ARE ALL THE FORCES OF THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME TO ENSURE THAT MY LIFE IS AS HORRENDOUS AND SOCIALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE.

CG: MAYDAY MAYDAY, THIS VESSEL IS GOING DOWN.

CG: I REPEAT, ABANDON SHIP.

TG: hold on one sec dude

CG: HOLD ON? HOLD ON???????

CG: I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS, AND YOU WANT ME TO HOLD ON???

TG: yupp

CG: STRIDER!

\--turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle troll--

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB]--

TG: yeah okay whats up?

EB: okay, so it’s probably nothing, but karkat asked me to pile with him

TG: wow for reals?

TG: damn im fresh out of rice right now

TG: otherwise id be throwing it right at you to congratulate you on consummating your bizzaro platonic soul bond thing

EB: hold on, i’m not done

EB: so he asked--

EB: well he more TOLD me that he was ready to attempt to have a proper moirallegiance and that we’re doing this

TG: youre making this happen?

EB: yeah :B

EB: so he starts throwing shit together in a big mound

EB: and not even comfortable shit, but like sharp pokey things that were not meant for sitting on

EB: i’m pretty half of it was made out of his collection of dvds that he keeps in a big glass case in the living room

EB: like you should see this case, it’s freaking massive

EB: anyways we both go to sit in it and

TG: ...and?

EB: nothing!

EB: i don’t know, i must have done something wrong because he just sat there and stared at me

EB: maybe i forgot to say the magic words or something

TG: the secret handshake

EB: the traditional riverdance of emotions

EB: and its so stupid because now he’s mad at me AGAIN and AGAIN i have no idea what i did to deserve it and quite honestly i’m getting pretty sick of his mood swings

EB: like if ever a guy needed to learn out to calm the heck down already it’s karkat vantas

TG: preach it

EB: you know what? i’m not going to take it anymore!

EB: he can learn to get over whatever drama queen mind block that he has against me and start getting along with me

EB: or i’ll just leave

EB: i know theres a contract, but i’ll just come back to earth where things like palemates don’t even exist

TG: dang youre serious about this

EB: yeah, i am

EB: like i don’t want to go, i still feel like if he’d just open up a bit i could probably really help him

EB: but... i deserve better than this?

TG: hey man you know me

TG: i got your back on this

TG: but maybe dont do anything too rash you know?

TG: hold on i got karkat on the other tab ill try to figure out what went wrong

EB: thanks dave

EB: don’t know what i’d do without you

TG: probably pine over the empty hole in your soul

TG: always going throughout life thinking that theres something missing and never being able to quite place what it is

EB: okay then, you’re free to leave now

TG: youll miss me when im gone egbert!

\--ectoBiologist [EB] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] has unblocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

EB: yeah okay, i do miss you guys

EB: but only a little! :B

\--ectoBiologist [EB] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] is no longer an idle troll!--

TG: alright captain you now have my undivided attention

TG: i am rapt to hear your latest tale of disaster

CG: CAPTAIN?

TG: you had a whole airplane metaphor going on for a while there

CG: WHAT THE HELL IS AN AIRPLANE?

TG: you know what nevermind

CG: RIGHT. ANYWAYS. AS I WAS GOING TO SAY BEFORE YOU SO RUDELY ABANDONED ME IN MY TIME OF NEED--WE DID IT

TG: …

TG: did what?

CG: YOU KNOW. ***IT***

TG: uhh

CG: *SIGH*

CG: EGBERT AND I PILED, YOU DENSE THUNDERFUCK

CG: AND IT WAS A COLOSSAL DISASTER

CG: IT WAS SO MASSIVELY HORRIBLE THAT IT HAD IT’S OWN GRAVITY FIELD AND WAS STARTING TO SUCK IN NEARBY PLANETS AND SPIT THEM OUT THROUGH A WORMHOLE INTO AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION

CG: I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

TG: but you will

CG: I MEAN, IT STARTED OFF NICE ENOUGH

CG: I CALMLY INVITED HIM INTO MY PILE, AS FREAKING DAPPER AS YOU PLEASE. I WAS BEING AN HONEST TO GOD GENTLETROLL BECAUSE I KNEW HE’D NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE

CG: AND, YOU KNOW, I WANTED IT TO BE GOOD FOR HIM

CG: AND I EVEN USED ALL MY BEST ROMANTIC COMEDIES TO MAKE THE PILE

CG: THE NOTTING HILLS AND THE WHEN HARRY MET SALLYS, NOT THE SHITTY GOOD LUCK CHUCKS AND ALL ABOUT STEVES

CG: ANYWAY WE GET SETTLED AND

TG: ...and?

CG: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING!

CG: I COULDN’T THINK OF ONE SHITSTICKING THING TO SAY!

CG: I MEAN, I’M NOT PERFECT. IT COULD BE SAID THAT I HAVE A LOT OF DEEP SEATED INTERPERSONAL ISSUES AND A LESS THAN IDEAL SENSE OF SELF ESTEEM

TG: you?

TG: no

TG: why would you ever say something like that?

CG: SHUT UP STRIDER. ANYWAYS, I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS. AND I COULDN’T THINK OF A SINGLE. FUCKING. ONE.

CG: IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING

TG: wait wait wait hold on just one hot second

TG: are you saying that the pile jam failed because you...

TG: couldnt get your feelings up?

CG: ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY, ASSLICKER

TG: emotional impotence

TG: confessional dysfunction

TG: a telum imbelle of the pathos

CG: ARE YOU FINISHED YET?

TG: hold on i think i still got one more in me

TG: uuuuuhhhhhh

TG: shit no

TG: thats all i got

CG: GOOD

CG: ANYWAYS AS I WAS SAYING

TG: wait i got it!

TG: …

TG: flaccid feels

TG: B)

CG: GREAT SHITFLIPPING HASSELFUCK

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conversation don't end til Strider get's blocked.  
> Thanks for everyone who's sticking with this! This chapter took me longer to finish that I expected.
> 
> Side note: The phrase "couldn't get your feelings up" was coined by my own moirail, simpleykaleidoscope, after our first "official" pile went horribly wrong. 


End file.
